


'cause i saw the end before we begun (i saw you were blinded and i knew i had won)

by satvrno



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Lots of dialogue, dani screamed at me for doing this and tbh? totally worth it, i basically made this because i saw the movie and got Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-02
Updated: 2017-11-02
Packaged: 2019-01-28 08:30:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12602504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/satvrno/pseuds/satvrno
Summary: “Tell me about her. About Elle, I mean. I want to know what she was like.”“You saw what she was like,” Carmilla replies in a small voice and instantly returns her attention to the book.“No. I mean therealher. Not the one we saw at the castle, not the one filled with hatred.” Her eyes are fixated on Carmilla and at her words she notices her jaw stiffening. “The one you fell in love with.”Or, an insightful work on Carmilla and Elle's relationship before they broke each other's hearts.





	'cause i saw the end before we begun (i saw you were blinded and i knew i had won)

**Author's Note:**

> This is my birthday gift from me to me, honestly. 
> 
> After watching the movie I ended up with a lot of feelings about Carmilla and Elle, not the relationship per se but the heartbreak behind it. After watching it a second time I got a sudden burst of inspiration and I ended up writing this in less than two hours so some bits might not make enough sense, even though my buddy Dash worked as my wonderful beta. This is my very first time contribuiting to the Carmilla fandom, I've written things about Hollstein before but never uploaded them anywhere so this is a first and I'd love to hear your opinions about it! Feedback is always appreciated. <3
> 
> The title is from James Blunt's "Goodbye my lover."
> 
> You can find me [on tumblr!](https://carlyraesjepsen.tumblr.com/)

Carmilla doesn’t say anything once they’re back but Laura notices. 

And she tries not to push, she really does, she gives her space and makes sure to let her know if she wants to talk about it she will listen but it starts getting difficult to keep in line when she sees how depressed her girlfriend’s been getting after the trip to Styria. 

Certain behaviors that had been lost after they had started dating. Like leaving the clothes scattered on the floor. Sleeping till noon and skipping meals to go out to the woods all on her own. Laura believed at first that was to go hunting but Carmilla returned late with no signs of blood in her shirt or her mouth and instead her eyes red and puffy. 

Laura wants to help. The only problem is she is not certain how and Carmilla doesn’t make it any easier by closing herself off to everyone on the outside world. 

She’s been patient for perhaps too long, truth is she’s getting awfully tired of seeing the woman she loves losing herself in whatever nightmare her mind is replaying on a constant loop, like what she saw on the castle with Elle. How they had mutually broken each other’s hearts. 

Would that be the image on Carmilla’s mind? Or would it be something much worse that she didn’t get to see? Elle did say when she was inside her head, trying to communicate with her, that certain things weren’t hers to see. And though Laura believes it (everyone should have their privacy, especially those dead for thousands of years) she also can’t help but being curious about how the relationship Carmilla and Elle once had ended so messily. So terrible. 

Had it all been Carmilla’s mother venom the cause of their despair? Or perhaps something else? 

“Tell me about her,” Laura says to Carmilla one night when they’re both on their living room doing nothing. 

Carmilla looks at her with a quirked eyebrow, her hand perfectly still on the page of the book she’s been reading. 

“About Elle, I mean. I want to know what she was like.” 

“You saw what she was like,” Carmilla replies in a small voice and instantly returns her attention to the book.

Is obvious she doesn’t want to talk about it but Laura prefers to push than to feed Carmilla’s depression. Talking it out could help. 

“No. I mean the _real_ her. Not the one we saw at the castle, not the one filled with hatred.” Her eyes are fixated on Carmilla and at her words she notices her jaw stiffening. “The one you fell in love with.”

Silence fills the room. 

The only noise that can be heard is the cat clock’s hands they’ve got in the kitchen ringing at a slow pace, tortuous and hollow.

“Why do you want to know?” Carmilla doesn’t look at her and Laura feels it’d be better this way. “She’s my ex girlfriend and you are my current girlfriend. I don’t talk about past flings. It was mortifying enough you had to see all the other girls I…” 

“Carm we already talked about that. It wasn’t your fault, you were following orders.”

“Orders I could’ve easily broken if I hadn’t been so scared but do go on. Why do you want me to talk about Elle?” 

“Because I want to understand.” Laura says and Carmilla sighs. “I’ve noticed your mood lately. You’ve been sad. You haven’t been eating properly, you haven’t used deodorant in God knows how long and your hair could honestly use a brush. And listen, we’ve all had bad days. Or bad weeks. When I was fifteen I had a bad year. The whole three hundred and sixty-five days. Just awful.” 

Carmilla snorts and Laura takes that as a small victory. 

“My point is… I don’t like seeing you like this. I don’t like you not taking proper care of yourself because of some ghost that came to torment you from the past. Figuratively and quite literally too. I want to help you but for that I need to know what really went down between the two of you, not only small pieces of the flashback I got to see when we were in Styria. I mean the whole thing. Why it hurt you so bad and why it’s still hurting you. Please, let me help you.” 

Carmilla doesn’t answer right away. She closes her book and stands up, leaving it on the couch before she walks away. Laura doesn’t bother following her because she knows her well enough to know she’ll come back. Instead she grabs her laptop, she puts on some music and lets the sweet sounds of Taylor Swift drown the door opening and closing and then Carmilla’s steps getting away.

She’ll be back. Laura knows it. 

And yes, it takes her exactly two hours and sixteen minutes to be back, but she is eventually once again seated where she once was. She puts a glass of chocolate cappuccino with sprinkles in front of Laura and from the paper bag she’s holding she takes out a muffin and a bagel.

“It’s not your duty to look after me, you know.” Carmilla says while looking down at her bagel.

“I know it’s not.” Laura answers calmly. She closes her laptop and puts it on the table. “But if I don’t do it, then who will?”

And Carmilla knows she’s right so she doesn’t argue. 

“If you really want me to talk to you about Elle, then I will. But if something becomes too much, I’ll stop.”

And Laura knows she isn’t exactly referring to Laura but to Carmilla herself who clearly isn’t thrilled about the idea of reviving her very first love. Laura nods regardless and sees her girlfriend take a long breath, one she doesn’t exactly need because of her vampiric complexion. Her eyes stay focused on the table and her uneaten bagel which seems to wait as motionless as Laura. 

“I was very lost and alone. Of course I had Maman and Mattie but it was never quite enough and my life seemed not only dull but meaningless. Routine was always the same. We found a victim, one that Maman would choose herself after a big deal of stalking, she would go for naive girls who had either never travelled or had travelled a lot and were way too into their heads to figure if something were wrong.

She went for rich families too. For pleasurable accommodations, really. My mother was a woman of impeccable tastes and she raised both me and my siblings to be almost aristocrats. Tasting the finest wines and knowing the proper etiquette to all the fancy dinners we were invited to. First thing I learned after I became a vampire was how to properly waltz. Sure I was once Mircalla Karnstein, countess extraordinaire but my father never cared enough to show me the beauty of dancing. He figured that if I knew the basics and I wasn’t dumb enough to step on someone’s toes I’d be good enough, it was different with Maman. She showed me the twirls and the intricacies of tempos and chords. We had to keep a certain profile, if we wanted to be invited to someone’s ball we had to be proper ladies. Wear the most expensives corsets we could find and wait for three hours to have our hair beautifully done. As soon as generals and counts saw us enter through the door, their minds went blank and all they could think about was just how pretty creatures we were and thus the trust was earned. It was complicated ever from the start but I did as Maman said and for a while that was alright. 

I danced with as many girls as I could. I talked sweet nothings into their ears, mostly in french. Mattie always taught me what to say but truthfully most of the times I had no idea of what I was saying. I usually stayed in guest bedrooms down the hallway of where my friends’ slept and when the clock struck midnight my mom would appear in my room, caress my forehead and told me it was time to begin. The dreams were mainly to keep their minds occupied while I fed. I had to make them weak enough for Maman to grab them easily, for them not to give us a fight. Doctors would come around every four or five days to check progresses that of course were never made and usually I only stayed with each victim for two weeks. Not more, not less. I never knew what Maman did, not back then I mean, I didn’t ask questions and even if I had, it’s not like they would’ve given me an answer. My friends would disappear mysteriously and so would I.

Maman was careful after every kill. She would wait a certain amount of time before we would fake another carriage accident. She would also move us from different places in Europe so we wouldn’t raise suspicion. It was then, travelling, that I became enamoured with poetry and romance books. Mattie always mocked me for being too sensitive, for being the one with the wildest and pointless dreams. It hurt at first but I learned to ignore it, I loved reading and listening to artists preach about what it was like to feel love. My obsession started to grow and soon enough I found myself longing for a lover, someone to look at me like the painters described their muses. Perhaps perfect timing or a twisted turn of faith, just as my wanton of love had arrived, we had to stage and accident and General Sheridan came to our aid. It was the same old lie, my mom was off to a funeral in a nearby town, she couldn’t afford herself to stop because if she did then she wouldn’t make it on time but of course she was afraid that I, her darling, couldn’t make it. I was a sick kid, you see. She never enlightened me with what I had but I went along with it. The General kindly took me in, his house was magnificent and he had a wide collection of books that he allowed me to read. I was having tea with him, neither of us were saying anything and… That’s when I first met Elle.”  


* * *

  
“Oh your face is just wonderful, Carmilla! So soft and pale, how I wish I had a face like yours.”

“You speak nonsense. You are the prettiest woman I’ve ever laid eyes on.” 

Elle blushed profusely, biting her lip and lowering her gaze in a manner that Carmilla found exquisite. 

“Flattery will get you nowhere. I’ll have you know I am not the easy mark you imagine.”

“Oh, but I mean it!” Carmilla stood up from the boudoir then. Walked over to Elle and with her fingers raised her chin, making her look into her eyes. “I’ve been around the world and I promise you that I’ve never seen a prettier lady.” 

Carmilla hadn’t had a beating heart for years but with Elle looking at her like that she could almost feel it still pumping inside her chest. 

The gap between their lips closed. Elle tasted like lavender and warm milk, reminding her of the sweetest of teas in the early morning. Her hands tangled in the hairdo of her lover and tugged to get her out of the high ponytail earning a laugh that got lost between their teeth. 

“I’ve never been in love.” Carmilla whispered when Elle laid her on the bed, she had taken off the skirt of her dress and was now watching Elle remove hers so that they could stay in their undergarments. Vampires weren’t capable of flushing or feeling exactly warm but when Elle’s fingertips touched the inside of her thigh and her hips moved swiftly against her own Carmilla’s entire body felt on fire. 

“I’ve never been in love either.” Elle kissed her way from the sharp jawline and to Carmilla’s earlobe where she bit softly. “Is this what it feels like?” 

“I think so.” Carmilla gasped as Elle’s fingers found their way into her cotton underwear.

Elle stayed quiet for a little while then. Her eyes stayed focused on Carmilla at all times when her fingers touched the soft nub that caused Carmilla to open her mouth and let out a moan. A sound so tempting and breathtaking that, in Elle’s foolish opinion, could easily be considered more gorgeous than any classical symphony.

“Shh,” Elle kissed Carmilla’s temple as her fingers started to rub faster. “My housekeeper could hear us.” 

“Kiss me then. That way I’ll drown every sound in your lips.” 

And Elle did. As Carmilla came undone against her palm, wetting her fingers with sinful nectar, they kissed like lovers would in the forest at an orange and yellow sunset. As they embraced each other in sweet caresses and maybe two more climaxes, they made promises of running away together. Of leaving it all behind. Of changing their names to become poets and Carmilla promised she’d dedicate every single one of her verses to Elle and her striking eyes. They’d have a house in the moors and they’d collect fresh cherries and strawberries every Sunday before heading off to the heart of New York where they’d go from one museum to another, trying to come up with the stories behind each canvas and brushstroke. 

“I can arrange it.” Carmilla said while kissing Elle’s hipbone. “I can get a carriage for the both of us and take us away.”

“Are you serious?”

“Yes, of course I’m serious. Why stop at dreaming when we can make it happen?”

“When would we leave?” 

“Whenever you want.”

“And what should I pack?”

“Whatever you want.”

“And will you kiss me when the horses start galloping to take us to our new home?” Carmilla licked her lips, nodded her head and placed a single kiss on Elle’s core which caused her to shiver. “Where will you kiss me?” 

“Wherever you want.”

“God… Is this what being in love feels like?” She asked for what it should’ve been the millionth time. They took turns in asking the ridiculous question to which both already knew the answer for. Carmilla didn’t reply, instead she took a broad lick on Elle’s warmth and rejoiced herself in the salty taste invading her tongue. 

Elle moaned. Bucked her hips against her face and her right hand grabbed the back of Carmilla’s head forcefully to keep her in place. 

“I love you. I love you so, _so_ much.” Elle said as the shocks of her orgasm took over her body.

Carmilla climbed up. Smiled sweetly at her and kissed her hard enough to bruise. 

“I love you too.”  


* * *

  
The cappuccino on the table is already cold and Carmilla’s bagel remains untouched. Laura looks at her not really sure of what to say. She tries opening her mouth only to close it again at not having enough words to describe what she’s feeling. Instead, she stands up and walks over to Carmilla.

Her girlfriend starts crying as soon as Laura sits on her lap and holds her close and Laura lets her. She kisses her on the forehead and tells her everything will be okay and that she doesn’t have to worry about it anymore because it’s all over. Carmilla doesn’t reply, instead her sobs become louder and Laura’s heart breaks in two at how much she can tell this is hurting Carmilla. 

“I got her killed.” Carmilla says after five minutes of non stop crying. Her face is hidden in the crook of Laura’s neck and the vibrations make a shiver run down Laura’s spine. “What kind of person does that to the one they bowed to love?” 

“It wasn’t your fault, Carm.” She knows she’s been saying that same phrase since Carmilla told her the story of Elle (the short version) back in Silas. But she’ll never get tired of repeating it, she’ll keep saying it until Carmilla believes it. Until she forgives herself for it. “Your mother has a lot of the blame. She was the one who told Elle about you.” 

“She told her the truth, something I should’ve done from the very beginning.”

“You were scared to lose her.” 

“And I ended up losing her either way.” 

“Yes, but not because of what you are. Elle loved you and I know that she would’ve loved you regardless of being a vampire or not. Your mother got into her head with sick tales of you being a horrible monster, she was only eighteen and got scared of the unknown, here you’re not the only one who made a mistake, she did too at not allowing yourself to explain. Perhaps if that had happened things would’ve gone a little different or perhaps that was how it was supposed to go down.”

Carmilla sniffs. She breaks apart and looks at Laura who looks at her with nothing but comprehension and adoration in her eyes. Carmilla kisses her. It doesn’t last much but it’s more than enough to get Laura’s blood boiling. 

“It ended up poorly, you broke each other’s heart, yes.” Carmilla laughs and Laura does too. She kisses her on the nose and Carmilla relaxes within her hold. “But she gave you more than you were asking for and you did the same. You found each other when you needed it. She gave you the strength to go on and inspired you to change even if it didn’t work out in the end. Don’t think about what could’ve been but instead of what it was. And hold the good memories in your heart. Treasure them and thank her for the time you two were given.”

Carmilla’s eyes fill with tears again and Laura is about to tell her it’s fine to keep on crying when Carmilla interrupts.

“We found each other when we needed it the most,” she repeats as if she’s savoring the words. “Just like I have now found you.” 

Laura blushes crimson red. 

“And you…” Carmilla touches Laura’s chest. Feels butterflies on her stomach at the loud thumps against the palm of her hand. “I am not letting you go, ever.” 

“I don’t want you to let me go. I love you too much for that.”

“Good. Because I love you too. And for you, I will be better.”

“You are already better.” 

Carmilla smiles sheepishly. 

“Thanks for finding me.”

“Thanks for finding me back.”


End file.
